letters from 15 years ago
May 7, 2010
My dad just sent me some letters I wrote to him in my twenties (per my request)… letters in which I had a lot to say, some of it angry, some of it introspective. But I haven’t opened them yet. I thought I would write about my anticipation and the feelings I have before I open them, and then write again after I read them.
These letters are a gift. That my dad saved them is a gift, because I think what I wrote to him was probably pretty painful for him. It is a gift in a couple ways – one is that they will hopefully be a window to fifteen years ago, when I first started on my journey to healing and self knowledge. I hope they will give me some memories of things I have since forgotten. But also I can see how far I’ve come since then. Finally it is a gift in the sense that it speaks the to the relationship I have cultivated with my father over the years, that he would willingly send them back to me without succumbing to the fear that it may damage the relationship somehow. The unopened envelope has been sitting on my desk all day. My thoughts have come back to them throughout the day, wondering what kind of Pandora’s box it will be.
I am feeling fear. I’m afraid that the memories will be painful. If time heals all wounds, this has the potential to rip some of them open again.
Most significantly, my dad recently made a suggestion – surely after the letters were sent (meaning that he surely would have re-read them before sending) that I believe relates to something in the letters. I would go into specifics but it would take too long. Suffice it to say that I’m afraid that the suggestion he made reveals that he is still sensitive about some of the things I said 15 years ago. Without having read the letters yet (and confirming my suspicion) my guess is that I will feel the need to write a new letter which deals with that sensitivity as well as other feelings that may arise. In the end it will be a good thing but I am nervous about it.
Here goes.
