Recovery in progress

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written, but it’s not because I’ve stepped away from ACA! I haven’t missed a meeting in months and I’m in the midst of a step 4 meeting (which lasts 8 weeks). Lots of good stuff happening – I got a sponsor, and I’ve been calling him every week. Someone even asked me to be their sponsor. I’m noticing improvements in lots of ways – for example, I haven’t had a screaming match with my wife in at least three or four months. That used to happen once a month or more.

Another improvement is that it’s become much easier for me to keep my mood steady even if my wife is in a bad mood. In other words, it has become less important for me to try and change or control my wife’s mood.

But by no means am I completely recovered. Probably my biggest challenge now is my temper. I don’t boil over very often, but when I do I feel totally out of control. About a month ago I screamed at my 4 month old son to shut up because he wouldn’t stop crying. Last week I spanked my daughter because she wouldn’t go back to sleep or stop crying (she’s been sick) – and I’ve never done that in her three and a half years. It was totally unwarranted – I was throwing a tantrum. Lack of sleep had a lot to do with it, but that’s not an excuse.

My father’s biggest challenge right now – he’s been sober for 20 years – is likewise his temper. Obviously when he was drinking it was just as bad if not worse… which is what I grew up with. I don’t have many memories of that, but some stuff has been coming up thanks to the 4th step meetings.

All in all, I am extremely grateful to have found ACA. It has literally saved my marriage and given me hope that my dysfunctions won’t work their way into my children’s innocent psyches. I now have a lot of tools for dealing with the difficult aspects of raising kids and being in a relationship. I don’t need my wife or kids to be perfect, and I find it easier and easier to not criticize my family or manipulate them. The clutch of codepency is releasing, and it’s the best gift I could give myself or my family.

And it’s all because I kept coming back. I don’t really know why or how it works, exactly. It just does. I’ve struggled with what my Higher Power is, but the idea that I don’t have to understand how it works probably brings me closer to my Higher Power than anything else. I just show up, do my thing, and let my Higher Power do its thing. I guess that’s one form of surrender, for me anyway – not needing to know how it works.